Escaping the Narcissist’s Web: My Story of Survival
CONTENT WARNING: This post discusses emotional abuse, manipulation, and toxic relationships.
He was wonderful. I mean, he swept me right off my feet.
He took me dancing, he protected me, he gave me his vision for our relationship. He listened to everything I had to say and showed me that he could be the perfect man. He undoubtedly was my soul mate. I had never met a man who was so attentive and so into me. No matter what or where my scars were, he accepted them.
My nights were filled with long discussions about his perspective on relationships and his philosophy on why others just didn’t work out. He was perfect. He understood every challenge, and he was so bright and intellectual. He was everything I’d been searching for.
And he told me that I was his “mirror.” I felt that this could be true, or at least possible. I mean, for heaven’s sake, I am an empath, one that sees life through the color “blue,” yes as in “true colors” blue. So he was potentially my everything, and he was proving it every day. Or so he wanted me to think.
He was perfect until his mask slipped off.
The Reality
You see, I didn’t understand the true meaning of narcissism until I dated a narcissist. Once he had me in his web of deceit, lies, and control, I was taken. I do mean “taken” like in the movie with Liam Neeson. I was captured, snatched, held hostage for his use. The only difference is, I had nobody coming to find me or threatening to kick his ass if he didn’t set me free.
Instead, I had to save myself.
I learned during my captivity that my soul mate was actually a narcissist who was super controlling, abusive both physically and mentally (more mentally than anything else), and a habitual liar with a horrible drinking problem. If you’re like me, you thought narcissists were just ego-driven, self-absorbed people who think they’re the best thing since sliced bread.
Well, that’s only part of the problem. In truth, that’s the part I personally could have handled. What I discovered is that Narcissistic Personality Disorder, is far more insidious and destructive than anything I could have ever imagined.
Let me break it down to you just a bit. If you believe in the soul mate phenomenon, then you may believe a soul mate is a person ideally suited to another as a close friend or romantic partner. The dream partner that just speaks to your soul. However, what I had been experiencing was a fragment of that. A shell. An illusion. He was on the DSM-5 spectrum (see links below). He was and is a narcissist.
Narcissists are everywhere. Some covert, some overt, some a bit of both depending on the situation. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is characterized by a long-standing pattern of grandiosity (either in fantasy or actual behavior), an overwhelming need for admiration, and usually a complete lack of empathy toward others. In other words, they don’t care about anyone but themselves and how something brings them their own satisfaction for selfish gains.
The Evil Intent
When the narcissist takes possession of that relationship, they take possession of you. You become a servant unto them, and if you can’t meet their requirements, they will punish you by words or deeds.
You see, in the beginning, the “love bombing” was what I was experiencing. I thought I was special. But in truth, I wasn’t. I was just another piece in the game the narcissist was playing. I was the item meant to bring him joy and satisfaction while he continued his reckless misbehavior and discards. I was expected to be okay with his abuse of alcohol, money, health, women, and anything else that was serving or feeding his insatiable appetite.
I began to see my soul mate transform into something darker right before my very eyes, and I couldn’t understand why.
In hindsight, the real reason this happened is because narcissists can’t keep the mask on forever. They will do it for as long as possible, which is usually pretty short. The trap is that they “love bomb” their prey so intensely that you just can’t come up for air long enough to see that something isn’t right.
But when they’re found out or when a question arises, the person behind that mask will present himself. Usually accidentally. Then and only then will the prey realize that they are truly “sleeping with the enemy” and they’d best run like hell. The running like hell usually takes a while due to the various hooks that the narcissist has been strategically placing in the life of their prey.
Red Flags: Terms and Phrases to Watch For
Common manipulation tactics include: Love Bombing, Prey/Predator dynamics, Pity Play, Gaslighting, Jekyll and Hyde behavior, Devalue and Discard, Hoovering, Mirroring, claiming “you’re my number one priority” (while actions say otherwise), Control, Silent Treatment, never being wrong, Deflecting, and Word Salad.
Things to remember: Usually, all narcissists follow the same patterns. Here are some of the most common phrases they say and encourage you to believe. Sound familiar? “You’re my soul mate.” “I’ve never met anyone like you before.” “You understand me so much better than anyone else.” “It’s fate that we met.” “I’ve never felt this way about anyone before.” (After being married three times… really?) “Am I your only friend? You’re my only friend.” “You’re so kind, creative, smart, beautiful, and perfect.”
But then when you catch on to their manipulation or lying tactics, everything will change!
Suddenly you will start hearing things like: “You’re crazy.” “My friends hate you, but I always defend you and have your back.” “What’s wrong with you?” “Aren’t I more important to you than your friends?” “Your tears won’t work on me. Why are you crying?” “You’re so insecure.”
See the pattern? It’s like they’re all reading from the same twisted playbook.
There Is Help
If you or anyone you know are dealing with an “almost too good to be true” individual, a narcissist, or just a questionable and controlling relationship partner, there is help. Please click on the links below to learn more about Narcissistic Personality Disorder and other personality traits.
For now, I will stop my story right here. I sincerely believe that sharing is caring, and for that reason, I will continue to share my personal experience with dealing with narcissistic abuse. Please note that overcoming narcissistic abuse from a relationship is a constant evolution. But there is a way to escape!
Where I Am Now
I am no longer allowing this type of personality to get close to me. I am aware of the traits and flags to look out for. But most importantly, I have learned my own patterns and the weight of my own poor choices. I no longer people please or remain silent to satisfy a person who is insatiable and manipulative.
I saved myself. And if you’re reading this and seeing yourself in my story, you can save yourself too.
#thisismystufftoo
Thank you for reading. Circa 2018
