The Blueprint Was Rigged from Day One. (2/5)
Okay, let’s talk about how we got programmed for this life of endless giving, shall we?
You know what’s interesting? I grew up in the Christian faith. The Bible says, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing” (Proverbs 18:22). Sounds beautiful, right? Makes us feel all warm and fuzzy about being wives and partners. But then it also tells us that women are to be the “helper” to the man (Genesis 2:18).
Hold up. Sips tea! Let me get this straight: He gets a good thing, and we become the helper? See the imbalance here? From that perspective, it looks like we’re meant to serve while they’re meant to receive. From day one, the blueprint is set: women exist to enhance someone else’s life.
Now, before you think I’m about to go on some anti-faith rant (I’m not), hear me out. I believe in purpose, I believe in service, and I believe in love. But somewhere along the way, we took “helper” and turned it into “self-sacrificing servant who never gets to dream her own dreams.” That’s not what was intended, but honey, that’s what we’ve been living.
And society? Oh, society reinforced it BEAUTIFULLY.
The Strength Trap (Or: How Compliments Became Insults)
Here’s what kills me: when people compliment us by saying, “She’s the strongest person I know.” You think that’s a badge of honor, but to me, that’s just acknowledging “there ain’t no way in hell I would have sacrificed that much.” Think about it — when someone calls you “so strong,” they’re really saying they’re watching you carry weight they would never pick up themselves.
That’s not a compliment. That’s an observation of inequality. And frankly? It’s getting old.
Let me paint you a picture of what “strong” has looked like in my life. I survived childhood neglect, abandonment, and sexual abuse. But surviving that was just the beginning — apparently, I was just getting warmed up for a lifetime of carrying everyone else’s load.
By the time I was a teenager, I was helping friends with their children. Because apparently, surviving trauma makes you the go-to babysitter? I helped my sister raise her kids while she finished college — which, good for her, I’m genuinely proud of that. But by 17, I was working two jobs, and I continued working two jobs until 2019. That’s an entire life spent in survival mode, y’all. My body has kept that score, and the bill is coming due in ways I’m still discovering.
That’s not a story to compare — that’s just showing you the weight. The weight I’ve carried my whole life while still joyfully serving everyone around me. So, when I finally had a dream — MY dream to serve in the military — didn’t I deserve that? After everything I’d already given, everything I’d already survived, couldn’t I have one thing that was just for me?
But no. I sacrificed that too. For HIM. Even after all I had been through, I gave up the one dream that was mine.
Because while I was being “strong” for everyone else, my dreams were quietly dying of neglect.
The Programming Runs Deep
This isn’t just about individual relationships or bad choices. This is systematic. This is cultural. This is the water we swim in, so we don’t even notice we’re drowning until we’re gasping for air.
From the time we’re little girls, we’re taught that our value comes from how well we take care of others. We get praised for being “such a good helper” while little boys get praised for being “so independent.” We learn that love means sacrifice, that being needed is the same as being valued, that putting ourselves first is selfish.
And then we wonder why we grow up feeling guilty every time we want something for ourselves.
The programming is so deep that we don’t even recognize it as programming. We think it’s just “being a good person” or “caring about others.” But when did caring about others start requiring us to stop caring about ourselves?
The Cultural Reinforcement Machine
Society has built an entire system around women’s willingness to give endlessly without expecting much in return. We’re the ones who remember birthdays, plan holidays, manage emotions, handle logistics, and keep everyone comfortable. And when we do it well? We get called “strong.”
But what if we don’t want to be strong anymore? What if we want to be supported, encouraged, championed? What if we want someone else to carry the emotional load for a while so we can pursue our own dreams?
The system doesn’t have a place for that version of womanhood. The system needs us to keep giving, keep sacrificing, keep putting everyone else first. Because if women started choosing themselves at the same rate men do, everything would have to change.
And change is threatening to people who benefit from the current arrangement.
The Health Cost of “Strength”
The most twisted part of all this is that we’ve been convinced this endless giving is love. That sacrifice equals devotion. That putting everyone else first means we care more, love harder, are better women.
But what if real love looked different? What if real love meant mutual support, shared sacrifice, and both people getting to pursue their dreams? What if love didn’t require one person to consistently give up pieces of themselves for the other’s comfort?
What if the problem isn’t that we don’t love enough, but that we’ve been taught a version of love that’s actually exploitation dressed up as virtue?
Think about that for a minute. Because tomorrow, we’re diving into how this pattern gets established so early that we don’t even recognize it’s happening. We’re talking about how little girls learn to give themselves away before they even know what they’re trading.
Share this if it resonated with you — and tag a woman who needs to read this series. We’re starting a conversation that’s long overdue. This is my stuff too!
Queenie 💛
