How We Learn to Give Ourselves Away (3/5)
Can we talk about how this whole mess starts? Because it’s not like we wake up one day and decide, “You know what? I’m going to spend my entire life making everyone else’s dreams come true while mine collect dust.”
Nope. We learn this dance young, don’t we?
The Training Begins Early
We watch our mothers give up pieces of themselves for the family. We see women praised for being selfless, for putting everyone else first, for being the glue that holds everything together. And we think, “That’s what good women do.” Meanwhile, we watch the men in our lives pursue their dreams, change careers, take risks, and everyone supports them because “he’s got to follow his passion.”
Interesting how that works, right?
So we start giving away pieces of ourselves before we even know what we’re trading. We’re like little girls at a garage sale, handing over our most valuable items for pennies because we don’t know their worth yet.
We choose colleges based on what’s practical for the family budget rather than where our hearts want to go. (Heaven forbid we burden anyone with student loans for our DREAMS.) We pick majors that will lead to “stable” jobs that can flex around future family needs. Because apparently, career flexibility is only required for women — men just need careers, period.
We date men and spend our energy building them up, championing their dreams, being their biggest cheerleaders — often before we even know what our own dreams look like. And everyone applauds us for it. “What a supportive girlfriend.” “She’s going to make someone a wonderful wife.” “She’s so selfless.”
But nobody’s asking: What does SHE want? What are HER dreams? What would make HER life wonderful?
Crickets.
The Different Rules for Boys and Girls
Let’s be honest about how differently we raise children. Little boys who assert themselves are “natural leaders.” Little girls who do the same are “bossy.” Boys who pursue their interests intensely are “passionate.” Girls who do it are “obsessed” or “too intense.”
Boys are encouraged to take up space, speak up, go after what they want. Girls are taught to be considerate, think of others, not be “too much.” Boys learn that their needs and wants matter. Girls learn that everyone else’s needs and wants matter more.
Is it any wonder we grow up thinking our dreams should always come second?
We watch our brothers get supported in their wild schemes and big ambitions while we’re told to “be realistic” and “think practically.” They get to dream of being astronauts and entrepreneurs while we’re steered toward “helping professions” that will allow us to serve others while still being available for family duties.
The message is clear from day one: boys’ futures are limitless; girls’ futures are conditional.
The Cultural Programming Is Real
Here’s the thing — this isn’t happening in a vacuum. We live in a culture that has trained women to be the emotional managers of everyone else’s lives. We carry the feelings, needs, hopes, and dreams of others on our shoulders like we’re some kind of human pack mules. And believe it or not, emotional weight can literally carry us to the grave.
But sure, let’s keep calling us “strong” instead of addressing why we’re carrying all this weight in the first place.
We’ve been programmed to believe that our value comes from how much we can give, how much we can endure, how much we can sacrifice without complaint. We’ve been taught that wanting something for ourselves is selfish, that pursuing our own dreams while others need us is abandonment. We’re like emotional ATMs — always dispensing what others need, never getting deposits of our own.
And the most twisted part? We’ve internalized this so deeply that we often don’t even recognize we’re doing it until it’s too late. We think we’re being loving, supportive, good women. Really, we’re being systematically robbed of our own lives.
The Guit Training
Oh, and let’s talk about guilt — the secret weapon used to keep women in line. We’re taught to feel guilty about everything: wanting time for ourselves, pursuing our interests, saying no to requests for help, prioritizing our own needs.
We feel guilty for going back to work after having kids. We feel guilty for not having kids. We feel guilty for having ambitions. We feel guilty for not having enough ambitions. We feel guilty for being tired. We feel guilty for not being grateful enough.
The guilt never ends because the guilt isn’t really about our choices — it’s about keeping us small, keeping us available, keeping us focused on everyone else’s needs instead of our own.
Meanwhile, men pursue their goals without a fraction of the guilt we carry for wanting basic things like time, energy, and support for our own dreams.
The “Supportive Partner” Myth
And don’t even get me started on the “supportive partner” myth. We’re expected to be endlessly supportive of our partners’ dreams, career changes, passions, and goals. We’re supposed to be their biggest cheerleaders, their soft place to land, their emotional support system.
But when it’s our turn? When we have dreams that might require their support, flexibility, or sacrifice? Suddenly we’re being “unrealistic” or “selfish” or “not thinking about the family.”
I poured my heart, my body, and my energy into supporting a man’s military career, only to have him sabotage mine. And this pattern plays out in relationships everywhere — women building up their partners while their own dreams get relegated to “someday” or “after.”
The asymmetry is staggering, but we’ve been conditioned not to notice it.
The Invisible Labor Training
From childhood, we’re trained to notice what needs to be done and just do it. We see that the dishes need washing, so we wash them. We notice someone is sad, so we comfort them. We recognize that plans need to be made, so we make them.
This sounds like being helpful and caring, but it’s actually training for a lifetime of invisible labor. We become the ones who remember birthdays, manage household logistics, handle emotional crises, and keep everyone’s lives running smoothly.
And because we’re so good at it, because we do it so seamlessly, everyone starts to take it for granted. Our labor becomes invisible, our sacrifices become expected, our dreams become irrelevant.
The Cost of Early Training
By the time we’re adults, we’ve been so thoroughly trained to put others first that we don’t even know how to put ourselves first. We feel selfish for wanting things. We feel guilty for having needs. We feel uncomfortable taking up space or asking for support.
We’ve been programmed so completely that we often don’t even recognize we’re doing it. We think we’re just being good people, loving partners, caring mothers. We don’t realize we’re systematically giving away our lives piece by piece.
And when we finally wake up and realize what we’ve lost, we’re told we should be grateful for what we have. We’re told other people have it worse. We’re told we’re being ungrateful or selfish for wanting more.
But what if wanting more for ourselves isn’t selfish? What if it’s necessary? What if the problem isn’t with us, but with a system that benefits from our endless giving?
Share this if it resonated with you — and tag a woman who needs to read this series. We’re starting a conversation that’s long overdue. This is my stuff too!
Queenie 💛
