The Foundation of Feeling Cheated (5/5)
Alright, we’ve spent four days building up to this moment. We’ve talked about the blueprint, the programming, the patterns, and the deception. Now let’s get to the heart of it all.
Your Are Not Imagining It
So here we are — women who have spent our lives as the supporting characters in everyone else’s stories. We’ve been trained from birth to be helpers, praised for our strength (which is really our willingness to carry what others won’t), and programmed to believe that our dreams should always come second to everyone else’s needs.
And then we wonder why we feel cheated.
Let me be crystal clear about something: We feel cheated because we ARE cheated. This isn’t in your head, this isn’t you being ungrateful or selfish or dramatic. We’ve been sold a bill of goods that told us sacrifice was noble, that putting others first was godly, that being selfless was the highest calling for women.
Meanwhile, the men in our lives, the children we raise, the communities we serve — they get to pursue their dreams while we make it possible for them to do so. They get to take risks while we provide the safety net. They get to follow their passions while we handle the logistics of life.
The blueprint was rigged from the start. The game was designed for us to give away our lives in service of everyone else’s.
The Systematic Nature of It All
This isn’t just about individual choices or bad luck or picking the wrong partners (though that happens too). This is systematic. This is cultural. This is the water we swim in, so we don’t even notice we’re drowning until we’re gasping for air.
We live in a world that benefits from women’s unpaid emotional labor, from our willingness to sacrifice, from our ability to “handle it all” without complaint. We live in a world that praises us for our strength while simultaneously relying on that strength to keep systems running that don’t serve us.
And when we finally look up and realize what we’ve given away, when we finally feel the weight of all that sacrifice, when we finally ask “what about me?” — we’re told we’re being selfish. We’re told we should be grateful. We’re told other women have it worse.
As if our feelings of being cheated are somehow a betrayal of our love for the people we’ve served.
The Truth About Our “Choices”
Here’s what I want you to understand: many of the “choices” we made weren’t really choices at all. They were responses to a system designed to extract our labor, our dreams, our energy, and our time in service of everyone else’s comfort and success.
When I “chose” to give up my military dream, was that really a choice? Or was that the result of guilt, manipulation, and a culture that told me a good woman doesn’t abandon her partner for her own ambitions?
When you “chose” to put your career on hold for kids, was that really a choice? Or was that the result of a society that provides no real support for working mothers and makes women feel like failures if they can’t “do it all”?
When we “chose” to manage everyone’s emotions, carry the mental load, remember the birthdays, plan the holidays, and keep everyone happy — were those really choices? Or were those the expectations we inherited along with our XX chromosomes?
The Cost of Being “Strong”
And let’s talk about this “strength” everyone keeps praising us for. Studies consistently show that women have higher rates of stress-related illness, autoimmune disorders, depression, and anxiety. Research links much of this to chronic burnout from caregiving responsibilities and emotional labor.
We’re carrying emotional weight that would break most people, and then we’re surprised when our bodies start breaking down. We’re managing stress levels that would send others to therapy, and then we wonder why we’re exhausted all the time.
My body has kept the score of a lifetime of carrying everyone else’s load. From surviving childhood trauma to working two jobs from age 17 to 2019, from helping raise other people’s children to sacrificing my own dreams — my body remembers it all. And I’m not unique in this. Women everywhere are paying the physical and emotional price for being everyone’s rock.
But instead of addressing the system that creates this burden, we just call women “resilient” and expect them to keep carrying it.
Why This Recognition Matters
I’m not telling you all this to make you angry (though if you are, that’s valid). I’m telling you this because recognition is the first step to reclamation. You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge. You can’t reclaim what you don’t first admit was taken.
For too long, we’ve been gaslit into believing that our feelings of being cheated are character flaws. That if we were more grateful, more spiritual, more mature, we wouldn’t feel this way. But what if the problem isn’t with us? What if the problem is with a system that convinced us our lives were worth less than our service to others?
You are not crazy for feeling cheated. You are not ungrateful for wanting more. You are not selfish for recognizing that you’ve given away too much of yourself.
You are awake. And that’s the first step to getting your life back.
The Permission You’ve Been Waiting For
Here’s your permission slip: It’s okay to feel cheated AND grateful simultaneously. Your sacrifice was real, valid, and often unrecognized. You deserve to pursue your dreams, even if it’s “inconvenient” for others. Both charity and self-advocacy can coexist.
You don’t have to choose between loving others and loving yourself. You don’t have to choose between serving your community and serving your own goals. You don’t have to choose between being a good woman and being a woman with her own ambitions.
The either/or mentality is part of the system that keeps women small. The truth is, you can do both — but only if you start including yourself in the circle of people worthy of your care, energy, and sacrifice.
Where Do We Go From Here?
We’ve laid the foundation. We’ve established the pattern. We’ve called out the programming. We’ve recognized the deception. We’ve validated the feelings.
But recognition is just the beginning.
Over the next few weeks, I’m going to break down the three specific areas where women get cheated the most — in our relationships, our families, and our careers. Fair warning: it’s going to sting because you’ll see yourself in every single one. But it’s also going to be liberating because you’re finally going to have words for what you’ve been feeling.
And after that? We’re talking solutions. Real, practical, no-nonsense strategies for reclaiming your life, even if you think it’s “too late.” (Spoiler alert: it’s not always too late, but sometimes it really is, and we need to talk about that too.)
The Call to Action
To the women reading this: What dream are you deferring right now? What part of yourself are you putting away until “later”? What would change if you started believing that your dreams matter as much as everyone else’s?
To the partners, families, and communities benefiting from women’s endless sacrifice: How are you supporting the women in your life’s individual dreams? When was the last time you championed her goals the way she champions yours?
This is just the beginning of the conversation. Don’t let me be vulnerable alone — share this series with a woman who needs to read it. Tag someone who’s been giving away pieces of herself. Start the conversation that’s long overdue.
Because somewhere, there’s a woman who needs to hear that she’s not crazy, she’s not selfish, and she’s not alone. Somewhere, there’s a woman who needs permission to want more for herself.
Let’s make sure she finds it.
Share this if it resonated with you — and tag a woman who needs to read this series. We’re starting a conversation that’s long overdue. This is my stuff too!
This series was just the foundation. The real work starts now. Subscribe below to get the next series: “The Three Arenas Where Dreams Go to Die” — where we dive deep into relationships, family, and career to expose exactly how women get cheated and what we can do about it.
Share this entire series. Save it. Send it to your daughters, your sisters, your friends. This conversation is long overdue, and it starts with us. This is My Stuff Too!
Queenie 💛
