The Great Deception: When 'Later' Becomes Never (4/5)
Let's talk about the biggest lie we've been sold, shall we? The one that keeps us giving away pieces of ourselves with a smile on our faces.
The "Temporary" Sacrifice Myth
The great deception is that we're told this sacrifice will be temporary. "Once the kids are older..." "After he gets established in his career..." "When things settle down..." "After we get through this rough patch..." "When we have more money..." "Once my parents don't need as much help..."
Sound familiar? Because I've been hearing these promises my whole life, and let me tell you something: "later" is starting to look a lot like "never."
Here's what nobody tells you: later might never come. And even if it does, the window for some dreams closes while we're waiting for everyone else to be okay with us pursuing them.
Case in point: I gave up on the dream of living abroad because my beautiful children couldn’t adjust well, and I panicked. I wanted to be a great mom, provide them with opportunities while I waited for them to leave the nest so I could have my adventures. Well, guess what? My nest is still occupied. Don’t judge me - I still feel like my children need support because it’s hard out here, and I’m not about to throw them to the wolves just so I can go chase sunsets in Tuscany.
But I can hold two truths at once: I love my children fiercely AND I feel cheated out of experiences I may never get back. Both things can be true without me being a terrible mother or an ungrateful woman.
The sacrifice wasn't supposed to be permanent. But somehow, it became my life.
The Moving Goalposts
Here's how the deception works: every time we get close to "later," the goalposts move. "Once the kids start school" becomes "once they're in middle school" becomes "once they graduate" becomes "once they're settled in college" becomes "once they're established in their careers."
"After he gets his promotion" becomes "after he gets settled in the new role" becomes "after the next promotion" becomes "after he feels secure."
"When we have more money" becomes "when we pay off the house" becomes "when we build up more savings" becomes "when we're sure we can afford it."
The conditions for pursuing our dreams keep changing because the people benefiting from our sacrifice have no incentive to actually give us permission to stop sacrificing.
The Age Factor Nobody Talks About
And here's the brutal truth nobody wants to discuss: some dreams have expiration dates. Military service? Age limits. Professional athletics? Age limits. Having children? Biological clocks. Starting over in certain careers? Age discrimination is real, even if it's illegal.
While we're waiting for the "right time" to pursue our dreams, we're often aging out of the possibility entirely. My military dream didn't just get postponed - it got completely eliminated because I aged out of eligibility while being a "supportive partner."
But nobody talks about this when they're asking us to wait. Nobody mentions that "later" might mean "never" for some of our biggest aspirations.
What We Don’t Talk About
Here's what we don't talk about enough: the cost of being everyone's rock. The price of being the one everyone can count on. The toll of being so competent, so reliable, so "strong" that nobody thinks you need help, support, or encouragement for your own dreams.
I have served my community, supported dreams, clapped the loudest for others, opened my doors, advocated for the masses, and on and on. I'm like a one-woman cheerleading squad for everyone else's life. But when it's my turn? When I need someone to believe in MY dreams, champion MY goals, make space for MY ambitions?
I get the "I thought you were okay... you didn't seem like it bothered you." Or the classic "I just didn't think you needed help."
Excuse me, what now? Why wouldn't I need help? Why wouldn't I need encouragement? Why wouldn't I need someone to champion my dreams the way I've championed everyone else's? Did y'all think I was running on hopes and prayers and the occasional "you're so strong" comment?
Because somewhere along the way, we got so good at giving that people forgot we might want to receive too. We became so reliable in our support of others that our own needs became invisible. We're like the stage crew in everyone else's production - essential to the show, but never in the spotlight.
And the most messed up part? We've been conditioned to feel guilty for even wanting the spotlight sometimes.
The Emergency Excuse
Another way the deception works is through manufactured emergencies. Just when it's supposed to be your turn, suddenly there's a crisis that requires your attention, your energy, your sacrifice. The timing is never quite right because there's always something more urgent than your dreams.
Your partner needs you to handle a work crisis. Your parents need more help. Your kids are going through something. The finances are tight. There's a family emergency. Someone's going through a hard time and needs your support.
And because you're a caring person, you step up. You postpone your plans. You put your dreams on hold. Again.
But notice how these "emergencies" never seem to interrupt other people's important plans? Somehow, your dreams are always the ones that can wait.
The Guilt When You Finally Wake Up
When you finally start to see the pattern, when you finally recognize that you've been playing a rigged game, they hit you with guilt. You're being selfish. You're not grateful enough. Other people have it worse. You should be happy with what you have.
They make you feel like recognizing your own sacrifice is a character flaw. Like wanting something for yourself is a betrayal of everyone you've served.
But what if it's not selfish to want your own life? What if it's not ungrateful to recognize what you've given up? What if the problem isn't with your desires, but with a system that convinced you those desires don't matter?
The Sunk Cost Fallacy
And then there's this: once you've sacrificed so much for so long, it feels impossible to stop. You've already given up so much - what's a little more? You've already invested so much time in other people's dreams - isn't it too late to start investing in your own?
This is the sunk cost fallacy applied to your entire life. The idea that because you've already sacrificed so much, you might as well keep sacrificing. That because you've already put everyone else first for so long, it's too late to start putting yourself first now.
But what if it's not too late? What if the sacrifice you've already made is exactly why you deserve to start choosing yourself now? What if all that giving has earned you the right to finally receive?
The Truth About “Selfish”
Here's what I've learned: when you've spent your whole life putting everyone else first, choosing yourself even occasionally will feel selfish. People who have benefited from your endless giving will call it selfish. You'll probably call it selfish.
But maybe the problem isn't that you're being selfish now. Maybe the problem is that you've been conditioned to think having your own needs, wants, and dreams is selfish in the first place.
Maybe choosing yourself isn't selfish. Maybe it's necessary. Maybe it's overdue. Maybe it's the most loving thing you can do - for yourself and for the people who have gotten too comfortable expecting you to sacrifice everything for their comfort.
Share this if it resonated with you — and tag a woman who needs to read this series. We’re starting a conversation that’s long overdue. This is my stuff too!
Queenie 💛
